I lack the tube station...along with sleep.

Thus they sing about me... :D

I'm nearly two years late seeing this...

..but wow!

I miss this van now :( The cold and wet remains, but now i have a rubbish van to go with it. This really is the worst post on a blog ever lol. I've got satnav now so at least i wont get lost!!!

Calendar of cock - Mr November...

Pakistan eh. We don't demand 'democracy', we demand General Musharraf takes his military uniform off. He wouldn't do it for anyone else, but due to my close personal links to world despots, i sneaked a shot of him looking rather awkward but frankly rather cool in his Joker outfit. He just loves dressing up and this COCK is a huge fan of western culture and he see's Batman as the epitome of 'the west'..
He doesn't of course, but he's a fucking wanker so nevermind. Move aside geezer, that Bhuto woman has a way better name...and as a female probably will never make it to the pages of Calendar of Cock. Though watch out Heather Mills, you're getting really frucking boring now.

Berth! What am I on?!?!?

I've been perusing camper vans...i'm not remotely sure why, I just decided to have a gander lol There's the explanation of my new word! This one has 2 adult BERTHS and 3 child BERTHS, somehow?!?!

I really really like this song...

We Are Happy Now (la la la) is by a couple of chaps called Friska Viljor. God know's what that means...it's Swedish, and so are they. Luckily, however, the lyrics aren't. I'd shoot even myself for saying this but it's kinda original Strokes meets Abba (well they're swedish lol) meets Heavenly. Anyway i've been playing it loads recently, the la la la's are great, as is the use of a xylophone and the pretty bassline. I'll be buying the album, amazingly. Ps. the gratuitous painting is of Charles XI of Sweden!

Hell yeah...

A maltesers drink. Wow. Buy IT. Pour it over your lovers!

Beer or Queer...

That's the choice facing the Werthers Originocrats..sorry Liberal Democrats now that Granda...sorry Menzies Campbell has 'resigned' (lol, yeah fucking right you bastards!!!). They can go, once again, for everyones favourate pint sized (and scotch swilling drunk) Charlie Kennedy (top bloke actually). Or Simon 'batty boy for at least a little while back there' Hughes. Aparently there's other choices, but they're waaay to grey to bother with.

Who would you go for?

ps. Don't sue me, i'm only 49 :)

pps. See ya Ming!

Check it out! It's Gerry McCann...

This made me laugh, a lot...

Die Wahl!

The election will be anounced tomorrow...to take place on November 8th. Mark my words.

EDIT 4 October 2007
...erm nevermind lol

2007 Conservative Conference Special...

So, the usual slimey smarm from the shit bags. Why comment when you can design election posters...

Well thats this year over and done with! But last but by no means least - THIS is a tory: It's always kinda nice to know there's always a bigger freak than oneself in this world! Seriously, watch it through...

So, I went shopping...

I found this great record, well actually the records crap it's by Eartha Kitt [a.k.a catwoman!] but I rather like the cover. I also found a book about the end of the world, a book on british cooking AND Dennis Healey's autobiography all for under 15 quid. I could really become a second hand shop regular if it wasn't for the people. The staff don't seem to actually want to sell anything, the customers think you're stealing their bargains and get a bit angry. It's all rather odd. And I went in 6 of them so I've the experience to comment!

I came across this old box aswell, it wasn't for sale...well not with out the shoes that were in it, and there comes a point when you just have to stop :D

Here's a totally irrelevant tune, King Of Lazy by Urusei Yatsura. One of those tunes you've heard loads but never new who it was by...

The War Game...

If you have 50 minutes to spare and have an interest in either nuclear war, british history or documentaries this is well worth a watch. Made in 1965 by the BBC, it's a drama/documentary, and it's scary as fuck. I mean scary in the scary sense of the word - not blood and guts. I was toying with buying this off ebay for ages but thanks to the beauty of the internet it's freely up for everyone to watch and learn from. Just goes to show good things happen to those who wait :)

It's a bit of a slow starter, but run with it...

2007 Labour Conference Special...

So, the Labour Party had their conference. I really thought i'd have something to say about it...but I just don't. My interest in politics is at an all time low. One thing though, the media (albeit of the Sue carroll variety) made a huge deal out of Gords mentioning Britain eighty times in his speech. He's the Prime Minister for fuck sake. Fuck him talking about France. Cocks.

It's the tories next, they usually give me a whole raft of things to get pissed off about - fingers crossed!

My ears are bleeding, my eyes are burning...

This song, Pretty Green, is beautiful. That clanking bassline means business, business in the key of G.

Then i saw this...

Mark FUCKING Ronson. It wasn't good enough that all Smiths fans want to fuck him up, he goes for us Jam listeners too. I mean what the fuck is this?!?! It's like the theme tune to a BAD 80's porno. I'm not anti covers, i love them, but this doesn't work - at all. It is without a doubt a FUCKING ABOMINATION. The bassist seems to now be farting into a mic, and that girl?!?! Get back in your happy meal box love.

F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-!-!-!

2007 Lib Dem Conference Special...

And first up it's the Liberal Democrats with their leader John Menzies. Sorry Ming "Fastest White Man in the World [1967]" Campbell. Not really much to say about the Liberal Democrats, I'm not a big fan. So thats all i'll say. Although Ming's wife does look scarily like the lady, Mrs Twitchen, who got the raw mullet in that episode of Fawlty Towers. Hope you like the shoddy :)

This video is quite funny though...


Next up, Labour!

Doctor's prefer camels...

Frankly, this is why I don't trust Doctors. Their choice of brand was horrendous.

Phileas Fopp Vol III...

I'm due a fuck, and here it is - Germany, 80's Germany to be precise. They have the largest population in Europe, the largest economy and rather worryingly a larger standing army than Britain. Not sure if that's all that wise - but anyway. I'm a huge fan of Germany, and the Germans...they can be a bit stuffy generally but you wouldn't believe it from these tunes. Before the wall came down... Here we have "Dance the Mussolini" by Deutsch-Amerikanische Freundschaft from 1981 - dunno who did this vid, but MC Hammer content makes it way past 81 lol A beat doesn't get more teutonic than that! My own personal favorite of the Neue Deutsche Welle (German New Wave for you genre munchers) was the guy who made it at just 16 with Fred vom Jupiter, Andreas Dorau. He's hilarious, and yes - he means to be! I've posted lots of his videos but i've saved the best one...

This very blog was even named after a tune from the ol' NDW, Computerstaat by Abwärts. Download it, turn it up and scream - thats what i used to do!

I'm not embarrased that I first heard a Kraftwerk song on a Bergerac repeat when i was 13, the point is I heard it and spent the next six months trying to find out what it was. It was The Model, and it's in english! And finally a song that can't fail to make you smile, even if you go back to utter misery again after, Die Ärzte's - Sommer Palmen Sonnenschein.

That's your lot outta me.

Colin McRae...

I'm not really the type to go for tributes, but alas I couldn't sleep and switch the telly on to find out Colin McRae died in a helicopter crash.
I've a crap memory generally, but I remember supporting this guy when I was still in primary school. A bit of a hero frankly. A real shame :(

Calendar of cock - Mr September...

He's a cheeky fuck this one. Ol' Vlads has done enough to become cock of the month, even though I like him. So well done the bald caaant.

He's not here because of the merciless way he's treated the Chechen's, nor the way he bullies Georgia or even the way he bullies the UK over gas (and dead spies) for that matter. He's here because he's a warmongering arsehole. More dangerous than most because he's actually prepared to stick his penis into a jar of peanut butter and say 'hey amerika, suck on this, suck on this so i don't smear it on your arse'. Not in so many words you understand.

America arms Israel, so Putin arms Iran. I mean really! Can't we all just grow up a bit? No! He lay's a flag on the bottom of the sea to claim it in true soviet fashion and tests new soul destroying bombs all over the gaff. I say again, cheeky fuck! Great stuff, and it's all kinda like the Cuban Missile Crisis. I bet that was great fun for the main protagonists at the time too...mainly because of the music!

Yes Number 1 in the UK in Oct-midst of the crisis-ober 1962 was Telstar by the immortal Tornados. A classy tune it really is. America of course was in the doowop stage with the Four Seasons - Sherry Baby. So if the world had ended, it would have sounded fucking cosmic.

For when you just have to share...

This one's from Finland. Err yeah. It's from Finland and Jesus really knows how to play bass!


König von Deutschland [King of Germany] was huge on German MTV back in 2001...the actual video is boring but this live performance features a dancing snowman at 0:58. Well worth it!

This guys mustard...

Genius from start to finish.

Right up em' - e-bronson returns...

Bouts of violence, talk of prison...HE'S BAAAAACK!!

I particularly enjoyed:

'Okay, we went into Iraq. So what. It doesn't mean anything'.

'Because of whinging, whining, moaning, bastards like you...'.

'I've actually seen dog shit thats better quality than you'

'You talk to the fucking organ grinder, and not the monkey. Understand'.

Poetry.

HoOoLy ShEEt...

Been home a while now, decided to watch something destructive. This from 1:20 onwards served me quite well. Apparently this was quite famous when it happened...I'd never heard of it. Anyway...this comment stood out:



So i did!

:O <<< most def!

Some classic Damned with Smash It Up plays us out today.

When Louis Met Paul and Debbie...

The first 30 seconds of this totally reminded me of a couple of people i know :D worryingly!! haha

Well worth watching all of this if you have an hour to spare, it's great.

Phileas Fopp Vol II...

As unfashionable as it may be, i'm really quite patriotic to this little island of Great Britain. Of all the places i've been I still find this the most beautiful land in the world, be it Scotland, Wales or England. History might not hold Blighty in the esteem I do - it's been naughty, even to my own forebears - but to an extent that is the very reason i'm here now, safe to do as I wish in my safe european home. A place where we can all grow up to be what we want to be if we're good enough. Even if we're grown up already! Whether we choose to appreciate it or not is up to us, somewhat unlike our special friends over the pond. There will always be an England. And above all else, it means i'll never be French.

Here's some of the most obvious songs i could think of to appreciate our perfectly formed nation...

After all that spiel, turns out Britain was somewhat of a musical hovel when the rest of europe was bickering over what scale made the prettiest music. But we did have Edward Elgar, he made one of the most beautiful pieces of music i've ever heard, and i heard it in 1997! From Enigma Variations here's Variation IX [Adagio] - Nimrod.

I'm not a big fan of words over my organs but if you dont like Jerusalem, well you're either not English or you have the dna of a small turd.

Rule Britannia, well what does one say - the most hilariously arrogant pseudo threatening militaristic tune ever. An absolute belter haha. Beats Das Lied der Deutschen by a cats whisker.

One of Princess Diana's favorites, but we can't hold that against it. I vow to thee, my Country quite a funny version of it too...gotta love opera soloists. Well you dont - but you know :/
.-->->->->->->->->->->-> <-<-<-<-<-<-<-<-<-<-<--.

If e=mc2, what does....

I had the best time in Cardiff with the best girl in my world...she even let me buy a hotdog from a burger van without accusing me of eating a rats arse. When you have a lady like that, you know to hang onto her!

So in celebration - i've had another hotdog, you can see just how affected me!

Nobody seems to know who invented the original Hot Dog for sure (well, or the cat just wasn't very forthcoming!), but here's the detroit cobras cover version! *titters*

A chocolate magnum and a 99 flake please...

More Elton!

Watt the fark....

I don't wanad save the sodding world. I was innocently listening to LBC 97.3 as you do and some bastard came on promoting this, needless to say, the crimewire wasn't set up to save 'wattage' so now I've gone white. Beautiful bright white. The brightest of all whites, in fact brilliant white according to my crown paints colour card. Let's celebrate with some aptly named Billy Childish with Just Fifteen (watts saved) hehe.

Say YES to global warming and retire in Norway. It's very nice.

EDIT>> Second thoughts, the people of...errm Holland deserve to live without fear of...something. So it's back to black :)

Just for the hell of it...

...i thought i'd have another great 80's song...Now, there's a lot of things wrong here, though not Bowies dance - thats very me actually...i do that lol. But never having seen the vid til now you can imagine my shock, horror and awe when it turns out theres a load of Elton John look-a-like's all over it. Indeed every orifice of the thing, good ol' elton haha :D Don't believe me???




See!!! It's scary how in the 50's ice cream seller look was back then.

As promised...

And now...this is my indiepop/joydivison/new york scene/appalling afternoons work haha "is it so bad?" I whistle in it!

Enjoy!

I cant get this...

...damn song out of my head!! Arghhh Great video though :)

The crimewire proms...

The crappers delight has had it's day, and i finished work early so i recorded a bass and hand claps example...just to show how easy it can be done :D Thanks to all the children at St Brixton in da Khazi primary school for they're wonderful help.

Now! If that wasn't awful enough - to give the goodbye a little less of a buckcentric feel i'm giving it two of the most well frankly embarrassing things i've ever done!

CanonEmo - Taking too many drugs and drinking too much does this to a man. Yeah it's pretty old now lol I'm particularly fond of the way i manage to get a guitar sound like a cat in a tumble dryer in a few places...see if you can hear them :D I do actually like the last few seconds though, i think the bass actually gets that real emo heartfelt thing...

School Fete - Yep, even an appalling name! I play lead guitar on this one, not to badly i have to say! (i'm rather fond of the ol' powerful guitar solo i fuck up!) Thats where my input ended however!! Drum machine, too much libertines and a song written for a girl to sing...it didn't have a chance. Oh yeah and the lyrics fucking stank! But hey, an hours work all on the (lovely) old 4-track recorder RIP

Enjoy!

For when reading is too much...

Amazing stuff! I was impressed by Mr Stephen Jacquiery (1:35) "Aw t-t-t-this is just awesome, fantastic...I always wanted to go to..." What a guy!!


This one is just too funny, i've watched it a hundred times and still giggle.


Father Ted meets Thomas the Tank Engine...Fupping hell! Toby the traction engine's "you dirty fecker" having me on the floor. Several times!

Calendar of cock - Mr August...

It's me! Finally...for various reasons i'm not gonad coat my self off publically for. Well actually it's just a long long list and i doubt i'd live through it lol. But hey, check out those bustergalliformes! (Thanks wikiPee :D )

I bloody wish i'd read this :)

Fileden appears do be down...so no tune to go with this right now. So i'll put some favourite sayings down instead:

1. "You can't really dust for vomit". Thanks Spinal Tap
2. "About as likely as stepping in rocking horse shit". Thanks Dad
3. "Lieber ein Ende mit Schrecken als ein Schrecken ohne Ende". Thanks Germany

Fileden appears to be back up...so Marv Johnson provides our soundtrack today with I'll Pick A Rose...

Make up, No make up - e-Bronson...

Play this from the 1:00 mark, and sleep easy in your beds! He's not dead, so don't give him shit about it lol

Vagabond Heart: Part 1...

I don't care what anyone says, the cbe that is the legend is Rod Stewart indeed. A good ol'London boy who got kicked out of The Kinks. Way before they were The Kinks yeah and he was booted out because the drummer's mother didn't like his voice, rock & roll! Rod wouldn't let that get him down, no! Then the story goes, well, a bit Pete Doherty. But then he wouldn't be the first now would he. Drinking like a complete twat, busking, and playing in going nowhere bands he finally stumbled on Jeff Beck, and sung for the bloke. I've Been Drinking from 1968 is one of the better songs they came up with...thats if you can get over that nagging feeling that it's going to burst into the Moody Blues "Go Now". It really is hard to do!

Anyway, Jeff Beck and his head got really really huge and wanted to do they're own thing (together) so that was that. Fuck you Beck because that meant our dear Roderick could do it too! And Come Home Baby was the result, a duet with P.P. Arnold. I first heard this on an Immediate Records reprint 7, it was the b-side to a Small Faces song and it blew me away. I know why it was there, but it really shouldn't have been. Anyway, Rod took Ronnie Wood who was playing bass for Jeff Beck with him to what was Britain's greatest band - The Small Faces. More about that in part 2 lol. Before that all kicked off Stewart and Wood went and recorded everybodys dad's favourite song and mine, Maggie May. A Wood driven masterpiece, I reckon he was one of the greatest bassists of all time, anyway here's the vid with Plonk Lane "playing" bass, John Peel "playing" the mandolin and them all playing football...Ah these were the days:

Not so much creepy...

This band are called The Gentlemens Club. That was they name of my first band when I was but only 15. They have 506 profile views. Our bands old website stopped at 490something. Which makes us STILL just as popular as them! Haha.

Recorded in Summer 2001 at Loz Vegas in Perivale i offer to you THE Gentlemens Club - Lucky Charm (Normile/Curtin/Gittins/McFadden) <--hehe

I'm proud of that band!

The cats in season...

Charles Bronson Online...e-Bronson!

I came across this site...didn't know who, what, when, whatever but being a "phookin leftie" (southern jessie too actually!) i clicked on the video charmingly entitled "here's what i think of you lefty arseholes"...

This happened...


It's only Charles fucking Bronson ain't it! Look:

Phileas Fopp Vol I...

Scotland. It's got over 5 million people, 3 official languages, 1 complete arse running it and 0 decent sporting teams. Pretty shit figures frankly. Damn good at music though, considering how dangerously close they are to Norway. Let's celebrate Indiepop!!

Primal Scream are SHIT. It was once different...Velocity Girl proves it. I fucking love this song.

The BMX Bandits rip off the Beach Boy's yes, but in the most amazing ways The Road Of Love...is Paved with Banana Skins says they're more than a tribute act.

Anyone who know's me know's I think Camera Obscura are pretty much godly, and not in the McGinty sense either. They even do Abba songs a favour: Supertrooper

Prolapse. The sort of band you'd blow your head off to, should you be that way inclined? Alternatively Flat Velocity Curve is probably a great driving tune!

A wee mention to the Be Be See, between you, me and whoever else I think You K Gold is bloody brilliant.

Rinse, lather, repeat. Now where's that map...

Calendar of cock - Mr July...

As global warming continues to terrify us all into small boxes, it seem's our only contact with the outside world is the SCIENCE EDITOR of whatever news you choose to peek at through the lid. For one reason or another mine has been ITV recently (i forgot to take the remote in with me).

Britain has been flooded, yes just like last year, the year before that, oh and the year before that. But now! NOW! It's Lawrence McGinty's 'THE GREAT FLOOD' dur durr duuuurrRR. What a fucking shower of cock. I mean he's standing there telling us how it's impossible to get in or out of a flooding town...yet he's fucking standing there. Standing there all fat and self satisfied (yet with an ever so slightly concerned brow). How the FUCK did you manage it then fatboy? Mr Harry fucking Houdini? More like fucking Noddy. Cock.

To pick on him is maybe a little unfair, but Romilly Weeks, Chris Ship, RiZLa THiEf, (older than the...) Mary Rhodes will all get theirs. Requiem for a Dream gets an airing, since we're all gonna fucking drown.

Well...

...in celebration of passing my driving test on June 17th and turning 49 on June 26th i decided not to say anything, anything at all lol

Ah well, here's my youtube debut: dull as fuck i know, but i'm a helpful guy!

And heres a decent youtube video, which has nothing to do with me!



And for a tune, i'm going with some child hood hero worship to make my coming of age... so Orange Juice it is, with Blue Boy.

Damn blacks...

Watch out for these...they're nasty!

Though there is nastier out there - PISS OFF

Calendar of cock - Mr June...

So David Cameron bares all for 'no cuts in hospitals', is there anything this man won't do? Local tory party members were keen as mustard (clearly!) to get they're lips around this months policy, after May's boob fest over grammar schools - who can blame them?

After his burning of his wife's bras in support (hehe) of feminism, pubic hair singeing in support of paedophilia and yes, some good natured hoody waving debate (or was it fun? did you see the smile on his little twat face)...good policy after sound policy after policy policy someone elses policy, suddenly deluged as we all are...he's cornered all of britains minorities into thinking that he's the man to vote for.

This may be worrying, but until the first articles of Gordon Browns clothing start hitting the deck, i mean eco towns was just his cuff link loosening man, it's all just a bit of a laugh really...henceforth i chose a song with lots of room for gaping mouths, Dr. Simon Sagt tackled on this occasion by the supremely talented Gus Backus <-- well worth a look that btw! Turns out he was also in 50's doowop band The Del-Vikings that bastion of americana, fancy that eh...gotta go, Juliet Bravo has just started :D

Gold mud...

Fuckin'ell so this is what you get when you innocently click the next blog button - GOLD MUD?!?!...painfully funny, yet frigging weird! I feel a bit bad linking to it really, but hey, this is solid gold hehe...

Rolling backwards...

The mentioning of chris20 just made this, frankly necessary! Enjoy :) DrIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiveeeeeeeeH

Time to catch up...

Time for a catchup...these are the things, to coin a chris20 phrase, that are "rocking my socks right now!" TED FEST is right up there, the original and best Father Ted Expo...i hope to take buck and jack next year!


The CANDYMAN once scared a certain someone, i think he's great...i even had this on video. It's not all bad though, i sold it to get a bass :D Check him out about 1:40 in...or watch from the beggining for the heart string pulling dialogue...

And now for something completely different....

BOB HOLNESS talks to YOU!

Happy times!

Adolf Fritler...

Enjoy dear reader, enjoy!

Dirty effing caterpillars...

More proof caterpillars and all other creepy crawlies are a MENACE to british society, FREEDOOOOOOM!!

With enlightened comment from young mother Steph Fisk!

Sweet indiepop courtesy of The Specific Heats

Moooore...

Sorry to video you out, but i just found this video again - it's incredible! Only a true genius could create this, and for them i am grateful.

Chucks in all the greats, the bush door incident, the prescott egg scenario, and the blair penalty kick. True Gold.

The Moonman...

Seeing that drummer on thepeopletheydontknowus reminded me of the greatness of this guy...crap drum solo, great gold fish!

See ya Tone...

Another early goodbye...2 out of 3 posts, this isn't going well :D



Seemed apt, as a Mirror/Guardian reader myself also true!

I'll actually say something about Blair when i can think of something anything to say...

******SOMETHING TO SAY******
Blair rhymes not only with chair, but bear too. Blair bear abandons the chair.

I'll let someone else say it for me...Hey Mister

GAME ON

See YOU jemmy...

It seems the winds of blind nationalism are sweeping across old Europe once again. I'd like to take this opportunity to say fuck you Snotland. What are you going to do? Really what? Your biggest employer is the British Army. Your oil is nye on unrefinable, like your culture. And you BOIL mince.

You'll soon be part of the 'Wee' 4 group of nations along with Burkina Faso, Latvia and the Seychelles. Go lassie go.

I wish you wouldn't though, i like you.
>.<

Willy got screwed...

It's been a year and a bit since that exceptionally ugly whale invaded london, spat all over londoners before going and dying on us. Making us feel really bad. I thought it fair to mark the occasion (and a bit) with todays tune Happy Hour by the Housemartins. "What a good place to be, don't believe it 'Cause they speak a different language...[to me]" never a truer line penned without a whale in mind.
>.<

Criminal image of thee day...

Fuck that.

motown you may not have heard...

Jamie - Eddie Holland

Save My Love For A Rainy Day - Marv Johnson

Beechwood 4-5789 - The Marvelettes

hooray some covers...

Push It - Stereo Total

Ca Plane Pour Moi - Thee Headcoatees

Back In My Arms Again - The Jam

I'm So Exited - Le Tigre...this one JUST missed out on the cheese list

the crimewire theme :D

Superschool - Erobique & Superschool

Cheeeese!!!

Darlin' - The Beach Boys

Hey Crow - Lil' Hospital

We throw parties, you throw knives - Los Campesinos

My Love - New Age Steppers

Lea Green - Umlaut

Come Home Baby - Rod Stewart

The Leanover - Life Without Buildings

Something I Want To Tell You - Small Faces

My Love For You - ESG

Kiddy-O - The Muskyteers

Jonny und Joe - The Supremes

Bananas - Jeans Team

Cannabis - Serge Gainsbourg

If Looks Could Kill - Camera Obscura

We Live As We Dream, Alone - Gang Of Four

Ich Bin Nackt - Stereo Total

It Was All A Lie - The Danny Says...

Heaven Hides Nothing - Monster Bobby

My Boyfriends Learning Karate - The Headcoatees

Poor Cow - Sham 69

those tunes

Barbed Wire Love



---
Where Did Our Love Go German!


---

Ca Plane Pour Moi Thee Headcoatees did it too, probably better.

Bin wieder frei
But the David Furnish Trophy goes to Jet Boy, Jet Girl